• New Cantina Song

    From Rage Against The Galactic Empire (2017). A bar band from Earth formally applies for the house gig at Chalmun’s Cantina.

    Nobody in that bar is having a good time

    Watch the cantina scene again and actually look at the crowd. Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes are up there playing their hearts out — seven Bith musicians, genuinely swinging — and the room is full of people staring into their drinks, running smuggling deals, and getting their arms removed over a seating dispute.

    Nobody is dancing. Nobody is even tapping a foot. It is the single most thankless gig in the galaxy, and the band keeps playing through a lightsaber dismemberment without missing a bar. Professionals.

    So we applied for the job

    The premise of this song is straightforward: that room needs new material, and we are available. The whole track is a pitch. We even worked in the between-song patter every bar band on Earth has delivered a thousand times — thanking the crowd, shouting out the bass player, handing off a guitar solo to a guy named Jimmy Pipples.

    The official name of the Modal Nodes’ song, incidentally, is “Mad About Me.” Nobody has called it that since 1977. Everyone calls it the Cantina Song, which rather proves our point about the material needing a refresh.

    Two things buried in the outro

    The last line before the fade is a nod to the end of the Beatles’ rooftop concert. If you caught it, you’re exactly who this band is for.

    And the closing question — where’s Lirin Car’n? — is a real one. Lirin Car’n was the Modal Nodes’ backup player, the one who wasn’t a permanent member, brought in to fill out the sound. A guy who was almost in the most famous band in the galaxy. Somebody should write a song about him too.

    Lyrics

    There’s a song I heard years ago
    By Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes
    From the background of a bar in A New Hope
    Just an old Bith band
    Trying to make a stand
    Well they’re swingin’
    And they’re bringin’ the beat
    And doing the best
    And doing the best they can

    Well the tune is nice and neat
    Happy and so upbeat
    But despite all that no one seems to be having a good time
    They just numb their minds
    And maybe soon they’ll find out that

    We need a new cantina song
    And maybe it could be the one that you’re hearing now

    (“I mean, just maybe… if you like it alright”)
    (“That was Charlie Donkers on the bass and backup vocals there”)
    (“I’d like to thank you all for coming out tonight and joining us”)
    (“Now we’ve got a little solo from our own Jimmy Pipples on lead guitar”)

    I think it’s time we play
    In a galaxy far, far away
    At old Chalmun’s on Mos Eisley
    Where there’s people there every day

    ‘Cause we need a new cantina song
    And maybe it could be the one that we’re playing now

    (“Alright… one more time, one more time”)
    (Alright! New cantina song, thank you, thank you”)
    (“I hope we passed the audition”)
    (“Say, where’s Lirin Car’n, anyway?”)

    “New Cantina Song” appears on Rage Against The Galactic Empire by The Han Solo Project. More lyrics, or use this song in your podcast for free.

  • All I Want (Jedi Angst)

    For the past 10 years
    I’ve been going through my Jedi training
    But it hasn’t seemed clear
    Just where to turn
    When Master Obi-Wan doesn’t trust me
    And how can I learn
    In a world like that?
    One where I’m always being held back

    And all I want
    Is not to be seen as a pitiable child
    And all I want
    Is to be taken seriously for a while
    But that’s not what you want
    So you bring down all of my lessons and
    It’s not what you have done
    When you try to run all my life

    And all the while
    I’m running errands for the Council
    But they won’t let me take my trial
    And it’s all because
    They’re just jealous of the promise I’ve shown
    Despite that I’m so young
    But why is that bad?
    I’d prove myself if only given the chance

    And all I want
    Is not to be seen as a pitiable child
    And all I want
    Is to be taken seriously for a while
    But that’s not what you want
    So you bring down all of my lessons and
    It’s not what you have done
    When you try to run all my life

    And all I want
    Is not to be seen as a pitiable child
    And all I want
    Is to be taken seriously for a while
    But that’s not what you want
    So you bring down all of my lessons and
    It’s not what you have done
    When you try to run all my life

  • Who’s Your Daddy

    She’s got The Force flowin’ through her now
    You know it really is something
    And so the question we’re left with’s how
    She might have gotten it
    Well I guess it must have been passed down
    From another generation
    So come on Rey–who’s your daddy?
    ‘Cause your skill with a lightsaber’s quite uncanny

    For someone who has never even known about the ways
    Of the brave and noble Jedi from the Old Republic days
    You could be a Skywalker, Kenobi, Solo, or someone new
    But it doesn’t matter to me, ’cause those ties they don’t define you

    We’re not sure who her mom or her dad were
    I know it’s just a matter of time
    But she doesn’t need a family to be someone
    I guess she’s just the next in line
    She’s probably just the next Jedi

    Well everybody’s got an idea of who
    But there certainly is no proof
    It really could be anybody
    We need more info before we find the truth

    And don’t try to tell me that it has to do with her accent, ’cause that’s dead wrong
    And it’s such a stupid theory I already addressed it in another song
    It doesn’t matter who her parents were ’cause I’m pretty sure she’s the one
    To make things right again
    Bring back good times again

    We’re not sure who her mom or her dad were
    I know it’s just a matter of time
    But she doesn’t need a family to be someone
    I guess she’s just the next in line
    She’s probably just the next Jedi

  • Order 66

    This is an ambush–get out while you still can!
    They’ve come to kill the Jedi, that’s the game plan
    With no regard that we’ve been here for centuries
    They’ll turn the page and erase us from history

    After the Clone Wars there’ll be no Order anymore
    Gotta get away from this all
    Or we’ll never be safe

    Yeah the Jedi all get nixed
    By Order 66
    Yeah the Jedi all get nixed
    By Order 66

    I even heard that they destroyed the temple
    An attack this big ain’t coincidental
    It seems the Sith now have taken their victory
    And keeping peace would be self-contradictory

    I think it’s time we go to exile for a while
    Gotta get away from this all
    Or we’ll never be safe

    Yeah the Jedi all get nixed
    By Order 66
    Yeah the Jedi all get nixed
    By Order 66

  • Chewbaklava

    Here’s a story you haven’t heard, and it’s all about everyone’s favorite Wookie.

    After the Return of the Jedi, Han and Chewie fought to liberate Kashyyyk. Once things settled down, Chewie stayed to be with his family. During this time he tried to maintain a steady job to support his family but was used to the excitement of smuggling and rebellions. He eventually decided to start his own business.

    You see, Chewbacca has a passion for baking. He never had the opportunity to pursue that passion, until now. Chewie opened his first speciality bakery and specialized in baklava.— a layered pastry treat from some backwoods planet far far away…

    This song is all about that first chapter of his adventures as a dessert-focused entrepreneur.

    layered baklava on black plate

    Lyrics

    Here comes that furball
    Walkin’ through the town hall
    Bringing something to me
    He slides me some papers
    I take a little peek
    And this is what I see

    It’s looking like a lease
    For some kind of restaurant
    Selling something sweet
    If you ever need a break
    From a boring day
    Go and sink your teeth

    Into Chewbaklava
    Chewbaklava
    (Guess he’s got a good recipe for…)
    Chewbaklava
    Chewbaklava
    Yeah, that is the name of his place

    (“Okay, it looks like there’s only a first name on the permit? Just Chewbacca? Do you have a last name?”)

    Everybody feels the crave
    Here on opening day
    Folks are lined down the street
    Han Solo and Leia
    Boba Fett and Vader
    You never know who you’ll meet

    Here at Chewbaklava
    Chewbaklava
    (Best dessert in the galaxy at…)
    Chewbaklava
    Chewbaklava
    Yeah, that is the name
    Of what everybody came for
    That is the name of his place

    Chewbaklava (x16)

    (“Wait–how does Vader even eat that stuff, anyway?”)
    (“Um, excuse me, Mr. Chewbacca? There seems to be a hair in my baklava.”)

  • Boba Fettish

    Yeah–this one goes out to all the ladies in the Star Wars universe

    I see you at the bar
    Lookin’ sharp, lookin’ for a good time
    So I go to ditch my friends
    ‘Cause they’re not really friends of mine
    (No seriously, I just work with them, I don’t even really like them that much)
    I slide up next to you
    And say “Hey girl, I like your tattoo
    Correct me if I’m wrong
    But right there on your arm
    Ain’t that Theed Royal Palace from Naboo?”

    And she said “You’re the first person who has ever known
    Whatcha say we ditch this place and you can take me home?”
    And I said “Yeah girl, that’ll be just fine”
    And so I called us up a ride, and we went outside
    And then we took a little drive and
    As soon as we’re arrivin’
    We head back to her room
    And the clothes start flyin’
    But just as we’re about to really get it goin’
    She said “I won’t make love to you unless you put this helmet on”

    Damn!
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got, she’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got, she’s got a Boba Fettish

    Yeah she loves Star Wars more than anyone I know
    And if I ever want some, all I have to do is go
    Into her wardrobe and put on that suit that’s made of steel
    Say “That booty is my bounty–ain’t willin’ to make a deal”

    Yeah for her I put the “man” in “Mandalorian”
    And in case you’re looking for another story, then
    I can tell you what she does to really give me a fix
    Is wear Princess Leia’s bikini out of Episode 6
    But you know I like to mix it up
    Try some stuff out
    That’s what kinkin’ it Star Wars style is really all about
    So I said “Babe you know I love that chain on your collar
    But for once could you try dressing up as Queen Amidala?”

    And she said:
    “The only time Boba Fett and Padme ever crossed paths is in Episode 2 when she was about to be executed on Geonosis, and Boba was only like, what, 10 years old? She died just a few years later so I have a really hard time believing that they would have had the chance to do that. It’s not canonical, and I just can’t be a part of something that’s so against the real storyline!”

    Damn!
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got, she’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got a Boba Fettish
    She’s got, she’s got a Boba Fettish

    (Damn girl… you put all the other Star Wars fans to shame
    It’s really impressive)

  • Language Barrier

    I realize how it works
    You can’t always make new languages
    ‘Cause the people here on Earth
    We need to know what’s happenin’
    But see, my disbelief is really high now

    ‘Cause when you write a story that takes place
    In a galaxy far away
    That’s full of characters
    Who talk like they’re from the USA

    Well, now tell me Han
    How come the people where you’re from
    All speak perfect English?
    You’re from the planet Corellia, not frickin’ Cleveland
    Or LA
    How do you know what you’re saying?

    But it’s not just about the words
    There are many different dialects
    And based on what I’ve heard
    There seems to be a disconnect
    Between the voices and the setting right now

    ‘Cause you adopt the accent
    Of the region you live in
    But last I checked
    Coruscant isn’t home to Great Britain

    So Obi-Wan
    Where did you get that accent from?
    ‘Cause it sure wasn’t England
    You’re in a galaxy too far gone
    To have even seen it in a film
    Yeah man, that voice just can’t be real

    Okay, let’s give credit where credit is due
    There are actually a lot of different languages in the Star Wars universe
    And while they’re not fully built out into something that you can speak or understand
    They still add a lot of spice to the films
    I mean stuff like Dosh, Ewokese, Bothese, Tuscan, Kaminoan, Jawaese, Huttese, Binary, Shyriiwook, Geonosian, Klingon
    (No wait not the last one… hey, can you cut that last one?)

    Come on and tell me Rey
    Where did you learn to talk that way?
    ‘Cause it sure wasn’t on Jakku
    Yeah no one else in that world talks just like you do
    And don’t try to tell me it’s a genetic thing
    ‘Cause that’s not how accents work anyway

  • The Apprentices

    Remember when old Luke S was the new kid?
    And Obi-Wan was the big-wig?
    And he said “Don’t look at it with your eyes, just tell
    With your feelings what’s in front of you”
    And he could teach that with The Force so well
    It really makes you think of when

    Obi-Wan was the new kid
    And Qui-Gon Jinn was a real smooth friend
    And he said “Don’t look back–keep your eyes up there
    Darth Maul is right in front of you
    Don’t look back, keep your eyes ahead
    I’m gonna need you to be there when I’m dying”

    Remember when Anakin was a good kid
    Before he met with Emperor Sheev?
    And he said “You can cheat death with the dark side now
    They’ll feel the fear, they’ll feel the fear
    Of all that you can do with the Darth title”
    It really makes you wonder why

    Don’t all the apprentices have ghosts?
    Looking out
    Why don’t all the apprentices have
    Someone who can never die again?
    Of all the apprentices we’ve known
    They could all use someone
    Who’s seen everything
    And been everywhere
    In the galaxy
    In the galaxy
    Why don’t all the apprentices have ghosts?

  • Darth Jar Jar

    At first he acts just like a dunce
    Then he overthrows the Republic all at once

    And it may seem that
    He’s Palpatine’s tool
    And it may seem that
    He’s just a bumbling fool
    But that’s only what he wants you to think

    How do you think that he got on the senate floor?
    When no one ever took him seriously before?

    Well he’s a subtle master of the Dark Arts
    Using mind control to carry his schemes
    And that’s the simple beauty of Darth Jar Jar
    Is he was never really quite as he seems
    But he was always the one pulling the strings

    All of this should have been revealed in Episode 2
    Instead of throwing in Chris Lee as Count Dooku

    It would have been the second-best twist in the franchise
    And maybe justified Episode 1 in the public’s eyes

    Well they set it up perfectly from the start
    Leaving Easter Eggs just for us to find
    And that’s the complex beauty of Darth Jar Jar
    But will they ever give us the peace of mind?
    Maybe in The Last Jedi…

    You might just think that it’s a joke
    You might just think that it’s a joke
    You might just think that it’s a joke
    Until you find out he’s Supreme Leader Snoke

  • It’s Only a Race

    Didn’t what I was in to
    And I’m only 10 years old!
    Some guys crash land on this desert planet
    And wanna stay in my home
    Turns out the issue
    Well, let’s say it ain’t too small
    Ain’t they’ve got no way to pay for the part they need
    To get their ship goin’

    And so they look to me in their time of need
    A little slave boy here on Tattooine
    But despite all that I still can make an offering
    ‘Cause I’m the best damn pod racer in the galaxy

    But then the nerves set in
    Because this time I’ve got to win

    And If I’m doing this again
    But I’ve gotta get first place is all
    I’ll pretend that it’s a game
    And that nothing is at stake
    It’s only a race
    It’s only a race
    It’s only a race
    It’s only a race

    Didn’t know what I was in for
    Now I’m free to leave this whole
    Mess of a planet, fly in outer space
    And learn the Jedi code
    All I needed to do
    Was be sure not to go too slow
    Leave Sebulba in the dust and steer my pod
    Straight into my goal

    But then the nerves set in
    ‘Cause I’m going off with Qui-Gon Jinn
    I don’t know if I’ll see my mom again
    But when I think of her I’ll think of when…
    When I think of her I’ll think of when…

    I’ll think of the time that I did it again
    But I had to get first place is all
    I pretended it’s a game
    And that nothing was at stake
    It’s only a race (x8)